Treatment with Revlimid is going well so far. The only side effects are tiredness at night and that rash I mentioned earlier, which seems to be fading. I'm thankful that it is going so well. I sure hope it is doing something! My doctor says I'll probably have two months of treatment with Revlimid, and then we will consider stem cell transplant at that time. I think it all depends on how many (bad) plasma cells are remaining.
I look forward to a day where I no longer have to think about my disease. It is possible, I suppose, that I will wake up one morning and not think about which pills I need to take, whether my stomach is upset, or how swollen my feet are today. Most importantly, I won’t be worrying about how I’ll be (or if I’ll be alive) next year at this time. Part of me wonders if that day will ever come, and the other says, “Don’t you dare doubt it for one minute!” Accepting that even next week is unknown is surely a huge part of my daily struggle with amyloidosis. Treatment is not always successful; a future is unclear.
I just read the blog of a man, a barbeque specialist, who wrote about his third place win in a prestigious barbeque contest and was promising to post photos on his blog tomorrow. On the next day, the blog was written by this man’s son, who said his father died unexpectedly the previous night. It was very touching and strange to read his son’s grieving words and this deceased man’s last thoughts, knowing what he did not, that it was his last day to live on this earth, and that he would never post those photos. “Tomorrow is promised to no one.” I know this to be true, so why do I always feel like tomorrow is definitely going to happen?
It must be that we can’t perceive a world without ourselves in it. I think Freud would point out that one’s Ego cannot allow a person to believe they will die. It certainly isn’t healthy to dwell on it, and I don’t mean to suggest that we should think about this dire fact on a daily basis. That would suck the joy out of life! No, we can’t dwell on it. We just need to appreciate each day as the gift that it is, and have faith in our future.
“…faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen…”
Hebrews 11:1-2
